Greetings from the other side.

Life has been exciting the past few days, haha. I really expected life to go on being the same after 18, but it has been an eventful couple days in this new 18th year of my life. There's more you can do (buy cigarettes, buy lottery tickets, buy R rated movie tickets for underaged friends, stay out all night) all of which I've done. And people really do treat you differently. Even in the eyes of my friends I've somehow changed, clicked over into a new stage in life. Well, hello, I am here, and it's pretty cool.

But I kinda want to throw up cause I didn't sleep last night and all I had in my belly was 3 shots of espresso and a banana. But it's been fantastic, surreal, and nifty in general. Things will die down, I'm sure, but still I am pleasantly surprised by 18. I have a lot of hope and anticipation about this coming year, it has a lot of potential. A part of me aches that I'll never be a kid again... even at 17 I felt more like a kid than I do now. It's just legality, I know, but the way people treat you generally dictates how you feel about yourself. I don't feel like a kid anymore. My parents bought me nice perfume for my birthday, which I've never had, so now I even smell like a lady. Adulthood has never seemed so close... but to everything turn, turn, turn, right?

For some reason I remembered the Flaming Lips song "Do You Realize?" and sang it to Jade yesterday. Those lyrics are so everlasting, eternal, but still remind you of the finiteness of our lives, y'know? "Everyone you know someday will die, but instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know you realize that lives moves fast, it's hard to make the good things last, you realize the sun doesn't do down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round." So maybe time isn't really passing the way I think... maybe I have all the time in the world to be a kid and be an adult and whatever is in between. The point is to make them good, golden moments. And I've had quite a few the last couple days :)

Should the Lord tarry:

Lately a few of my friends have made "What I want to do before I die" lists, or "Bucket Lists" if you will (is that term original to the Morgan Freeman/Jack Nicholson movie?) I don't mind that it's cliche or whatever, aspirations are good :) Even (perhaps particularly) the silly ones.

So here's my list, it's short, I'll be adding to it I guess.

Purchase something at a silent auction.
Go to Oxford. (I would put "attend" but that's presuming a lot ;]
Learn how to play an instrument.
Live in a major city.
Go on the slingshot ride at the boardwalk.
Get a tattoo.
Travel to the Middle East (This one is about to happen this March!)

I think that's an okay list for now :)

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye!

I just finished my 8 page research paper and I feel like I just gave birth. Seriously. Writing something like this takes so much out of you, I feel like I've been in labor all day.

Anyway. I think it's pretty good :) I wrote about something I actually care about (feminism and racism) and did an ok job (I think) of integrating my sources. A shout out to Steve who gave me advice on the formatting :) Boo MLA!

I really don't think I can even bring myself to type anymore, it's all I've been doing for hours. But just know that now my semester is officially over, after our little class party tomorrow morning, I'm a free woman. No more assignments now. Not until next semester, that is. But for now, everything is bright, sleepy mornings, chill-out afternoons and a good dose of Christmas spirit :)

thanks to everyone who made this semester awesome–despite the fact that most of my classes sucked, I enjoyed having you all in my life these past few months :)
-To Charlotte, whom I will not be sleeping near anymore, I'll miss your presence in my room, but I know we'll always be roommates at heart :)
-To those who are leaving: you have no idea how much I will miss you, and how much I've cherished our friendship. I know I suck at keeping in touch, so help me out there and don't let me let you go :)
-To new friends: Wow, I'm so glad I met you! Please stick around, I've gotten used to having you in my heart.
-To those who will remain in Lakeland over the break: please call me :) we can totally make this next month a party.

And it was good.

Last night I was restless. I came home from work later than I was supposed to, my head and jaw hurt (wisdom teeth? I hope not.) and I was somehow sad. I think the sadness came from realizing that maybe the little glows of happysillylove in my heart were fading, from anxiety about this next week, from sadness of all the friends that will be departing.

But thank God for friends. Charlotte and I crawled into our beds at about 12:45, both restless and in subtle pain. We stayed up till about 2 (or I did, Char might've stayed up later), nursing each other's wounds and fears, giving each other comfort in hope and the fact that God is in control and love comes to everyone. We reminded each other of the wonderful friends we have and reflected on some good times. We lamented together over the pain people put each other through (why do we do that? why do we hurt them?) but we had hope, because there are good people out there, and people really are capable of doing good and being good.

San Francisco is ringing in my head.

You know when something from the past sneaks into your life in little ways? Yeah. I moved away from Oakland 4 years ago, but for some reason these days San Francisco is calling me back. Weird little coincidences like Steve posting a blog about the city, went and saw Four Christmases (bleh...) and it was set there, Hannah asked where "that San Francisco picture went" (it's in my room, above my bed), and when I flipped to a random poem to write a journal entry about tonight, I flipped to "North of San Francisco."

Though I never actually lived IN the city, I wanted to sooooo badly. It was the glorious light in my dim 13th year spent in smoggy, smelly Oakland.

So let's go, you and I, When the evening is spread out against the sky.

Sunshine, tonight.

It's a good time for blogposts, apparently. We've all been posting more, yeah? We think we have something to say.

2 beautiful things came to me tonight. One of them is Coldplay's Ep/extended album "Prospekts March" which is glorious. I wasn't even expecting it. And now I'm listening to it.

Also: I remembered a video that I love :) And I'm going to share it with you because it's so very very very lovely.


Sigur Ros is beautiful, and even though I don't know the words (they're in Icelandic, see) I love listening to it so much. And this video is so great and happy :)

Also! Me, Jade, and Paige are going to Disney on wednesday, and Jason (my Sparkey) gets to come with us because I have an unexpected extra ticket, and he's never been :) He's moving to Australia in January (everyone is leaving!) and this is a good pre-moving-away-to-the-other-side-of-the-world celebration.

Teamocil!

I'd like to give a hearty thanks to my friends Steve and Pete with whom I spent a nice evening with on friday. The hot chocolate (or wine, in the guys' case), Wall-E, old records, card games, their encouragement in the face of my love-aches, pomegranate smoke and Arrested Development. It all reminds me of an article I read a looong time ago on relevantmagazine.com. The author quotes C.S. Lewis saying, “next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses.” And for every hour spent sharing thoughts and cuddles and food and movies and pipes, I am thankful for your (all my friends') presence in my life, and the holiness these moments bring. With facebook and texting being the primary way I connect with people nowadays, I'm thankful for the times when we can actually be together. Because, like the Bible says, when we hang out together (even just two or three), He's there.

A Requiem for Holy Moments (Why I Refuse to join Facebook) by Brett McCraken
http://relevantmagazine.com/pc_article.php?id=7476

Also: I watched part of Return of the King last night, and nobody does friendship better than hobbits :)

God's Feminism

A blog about this subject was inevitable, really, but until yesterday I was unaware of exactly how much I believed these things, and just how contrary they were.

I identify myself as a feminist (a Christian Feminist, like Cotton, Kirk, Dad, etc.) which is not about bra-burning and men hating. It’s about equality, about treating women with the same respect and value as men. But today I realized that it’s so much more than that, and the problem that feminism is trying to mend is so much greater.

You see, a long time ago everything was good. And then people totally messed it up. They sinned, and there were consequences of that sin. To women God said, “your desire will be for your husband, but he will rule over you” (Gen. 3:16.) As a result of sin, our relationship with men was distorted. Beforehand we desired each other, love was received and given, and no one was above another. Now our own desires would be smothered, and we would be forced into not only submission, but a kind of servanthood to man-kind.

Sin is everywhere, everyone is born into a sinful nature that controls the way they think and act. Women function under that sinful nature which has been condemned, cursed. They dress scantily, agree to perform things for men because they desire men. But their desires are not really satisfied, and they always end up bowing down before men, worshipping their rulers, knowing like a broken slave knows that this is the way things are. Men are better, they are more capable, and we need them. We cannot protect ourselves. We cannot be whole without their approval, without their love. So we bow, we cast our eyes down out of reverence, out of humiliation, and give our bodies and our hearts as a sacrifice.

But maybe it can be different. God made things good in the beginning, and he desires to make them that way again. He’s trying to right now. He gave his son as a sacrifice so that our sinful nature can be overturned, so that we can function in a new nature, in a new life. We don’t have to lie anymore, we don’t have to steal, to hurt, to kill, to cause chaos and destruction. We can live in his love and life, and though we will have failures, his forgiveness and mercy is always overflowing, ready to pick us back up so we can keep walking in his light.

The early church got this and they were trying to live it out. They understood that everything they had thought was wrong, and were trying to conform themselves to a totally new mindset. So the women quit acting like servants and started acting like rulers, and the men quit acting like rulers are started acting like servants. Paul shook his head. To the Ephesians he said, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For husbands, this means love your wives just as Christ loved the church” (Ephesians 5.) To the Corinthians he said, “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:3-4.) Paul said, “No, silly, no one should be a ruler and no one should be a servant. Godly relationships mean mutual submission, sacrificial love and reverence for Christ.”

Something in us knows this. Feminism in the 60’s tried to accomplish it by burning bras and hating men. But God never operates through hate, his idea of feminism included love. Lesbians seem to know that this worship and slavehood to men is a bad idea, so they forgo men altogether. Nowadays feminism is preaching the idea that women can be men, work like men and have casual sex like men. But that’s a distortion of God’s good creation too. Women should be able to be successful women in the workplace. There is nothing in their nature that makes them incapable. It is only society’s perception of women that makes them incapable. And sex without love? That’s men’s problem. If they can have sex without love, it’s not us that should become like them, but them that should be come like us. Sex was meant for love.

So my daughters will always know that they are truly capable of anything they want to do, and that they were created with the same glory as men. Whatever society tells them that they need to do, I will let them know that all they need to do is love God, respect every human being, and keep their hearts in God because he will take care of them. They will get their hearts broken, because that’s what happens when you love, but they will be confident in a greater Love that made them beautiful and strong. My sons will be taught the same thing, and they’ll know that whatever their guy friends tell them, it’s better to treat people like people. He will always respect and love women, always have the knowledge in his heart that he was meant for more than casual sex, meant for more than abused power and kingship over his wife and sisters.

I guess you could say this is my life-thesis, my heart’s mission and my boyfriend application ;) thanks for reading it.

αγαπει ἡμας

Sorry that it's been a little while since I've posted on here, whoops! I guess I haven't had much to say.

But now I do, and what I'm feeling right now is that I am so tired of sin. In that it makes me weary. My sin, my friends' sin, the sin that's everywhere all the time. It's weighing on me like bricks and I can feel myself suffocating. The topic has been cropping up in conversations a lot lately. What is a sin, what isn't, and what we're to do about it. And I've decided that, tentatively, I believe that sin is simply something that is outside God's intended order. I believe that God created this world and everything in it for a purpose, to be a certain way, and sin is the perversion of that right way and order. And every action we make either pushes us more towards death and chaos or towards life and whole-ness. And every sin has a consequence. They all vary, but no matter what sin always affects us and always bites us in the ass. If something is bringing death, not life, into my life then it's a sin.

And I've also decided that we have no hope of living our lives the right, light-bearing, life-giving way if our lives are centered around ourselves. I've got to get my act together and center myself around God. Because it's only then that I can have real love for people and apply myself in the best possible way. Only then that my life is worth something, because He is worth something. My life is only good or valuable if its in God. To think of all the time I've wasted on living purely for myself shatters me. But He is a fountain of forgiveness and unending mercy all the time. I'm overwhelmed by his grace. Every day I get to try and start over again. Try to become most myself, most himself, the most whole and complete I can be.

Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest.
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about the way
He loves us.

Kudos on the parental skills.

I was talking to my friend the other night about the book "Captivating" and how I've always scoffed at it and he said, "Well, not everybody is as confident in their beauty as you..." which I thought was interesting. I didn't know I come off so confident. then he asked me how I managed to get that way, sure of myself. I didn't really know exactly why, it must have been my parents but I couldn't give him examples.

But I've been thinking about it now. And there are a few reasons for my confidence, my assurance of my value:
1. my family is a good place for girls to be. My mom grew up in a house where her brothers were valued in a more obvious way. The boys carry on the family name, they're more important to the family. And she had awful self-esteem and a nasty teenage-hood. So now her house is different–girls are great and are just as important in family and society as boys.
2. I never felt un-loved. My family is really expressive, always communicating. I always knew why I couldn't do things and I always understood that everything was done because I was loved by my parents. They always gave me enough responsibility, but didn't overwhelm me.
3. I wasn't pampered or princessed to death–I'm not even sure those things give girls a sense of self-worth at all. I was taught to love and to serve, to help out other people before myself and to be responsible for my actions. But my hard work and my creative endeavors were always appreciated and I was always included in the efforts of the family.

So I realize now that I am sure of myself because I was treated by my parents how they would like to be treated. I was valued as a person, not just as a child or as a girl. My value didn't depend on whether or not I did well in school or sports, whether I was cute or sweet, whether I was a boy or girl, whether I was responsible or irresponsible, but just because I was theirs and every child should be loved and appreciated.

thanks mom and dad :)

Wish List.

We made lists today, of our top ten celebrities and it was funny to see who we picked and didn't pick. So here's my list, complete with pictures.

10. Andy Sandburg - he's funny and frat-boy cute.


9. Cary Grant - So classy. Though my favorite role of his is still Arsenic and Old Lace, just because he was ridiculous.


8. Adrian Brody - Maybe I'm just relating, but the big nose only makes him great-er :>)


7. Jason Bateman - I wanna marry Michael Bluth, the end. Jason is the new American Hugh Grant, bumbling and adorable.


6. Michael Cera - I want to have his socially awkward illegitimate children.


5. Christian Bale - Batman. the end.


4. Joseph Fiennes - Shakespeare. the end.


3. Jim Caviezel - he's holy and hot?


2. John Krasinski - oh Jim. You make office romances hip.


1. Daniel Craig - James Bond. THE. END.


Also: my lady crush, Rachel Weiss. She's the hotttest.

I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

My favorite thing to do now is driving with my windows down. I really am the happiest then, which is funny because I'm alone. Driving with people in my car is a foreign thing to me, thanks to my parents' rules. When I drive alone, windows down, wind blowing around and through my car, music blowing with the wind, I can be aware of so many things. It's like I open up to the world because I'm not distracted (unless I let myself get distracted.) Tonight I looked at the sky and the whole thing looked like a rainbow–orangey-red scaling up to deep indigo. And I listened to Johnny Cash, which I probably wouldn't have listened to if someone else was in the car with me. And I sang along, which I probably wouldn't have done if someone was with me. Because even for a person that doesn't really "care" what people think of her, I'm still aware all the time. You can't help but be aware. If you're not aware, then you're completely detached from everyone else. And I'm definitely not detached.

Madi made lots of faces at me today. We're friends.

Sometimes aren't you just overwhelmed with the wonderful things in the world?  So many wonderful things...

things like wind!  I love the wind!  The world feels like it's alive right now, everything's moving, the air smells beautiful and I am aware of my skin in a good way.  In the summer I want to peel it off because I'm so hot, so humid, so blanketed with sweat.  But nooooow, it's just wonderful and I'm enjoying my walks to class.

things like quiet evenings!  life gets tiring, you know?  tonight I didn't do anything, really.  Went to Mcdonalds with Charlototta and got a caramel sundae, worked on my current sewing project, watched some Arrested Development, listened to music etc.  

things like good friends turning up in unexpected places!  like Amy in the bathroom in Graves and Jason in the line in the cafe.  and even friends turning up in places that they usually turn up in.  I'm always happy to see you :)

things like remembering great times in life!  like Christmas carolling when I was little–the snow, the singing, the church bus, the warm apple cider and yummy food at the end of the night.  all my summer days and lakeland adventures with my posse.

I'm welcoming the season with open arms–dangling outside the window of my car when I drive at night.  Deep breaths and bright eyes to come in these next months.  Also: Conor Oberst, Manchester Orchestra and James Bond ;)

a softer world

for the last hour or so I've been watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets with Hannah while starting the long process of transferring all my music/pictures/documents from my old computer to my new one.  I absolutely love weekends.  I never ever do homework.  Weekends are made for chilling.  Tomorrow Mom and Madi get to come home, which is great :) I wish I could stay at home all week and never go to school, but such is life, eh?  We gotta get that education.

I was reflecting on my education recently.  Everyone is always so surprised to find out that I'm 17, and talk about how smart I am and how they wished they had dual-enrolled or taken college courses earlier.  Why?  I didn't really plan on finishing so early... it was just the next step.  Homeschooling let me go at my own pace, which was a little faster than regular public school, so I finished my high school work a year early.  The natural progression then, is to start college.  I'm in no hurry... it just kind of happened to me.  And other than bragging rights, I don't really see the point of graduating college when you're 19.

All I really want to do is learn things that I don't know, teach things to people so they can learn things they don't know, and enjoy my life.  

Enjoying life includes:

Spending saturdays with family, just chilling

eating candy

holding babies

watching the Fellowship of the Ring even though I know every word

and writing blogs just because I want to share my life with friends that I love :)

P.S. if you have a minute (or 15) click on the Rob Bell link on the right and watch his video "Breathe."  I looooove it.

All new things.

Today was a great day :)  The first half of it was mostly spent hanging out at the house, cleaning and toying with my amaaaazing new MacBook.  I hate to be the person who is in love with her gadgets, but it's really great.  And pretty: http://www.apple.com/.

But the reason today was great is because Madeline was born :) at 3:08 by c-section (poor mom.)  She's 6 pounds 5 ounces, 20.5 inches long.  That's a pretty normal size for a baby, maybe on the small side, but she looks sooooooo tiny!  Everything about her is little.  And I guess she's pretty thin for her length because she has little chicken legs.  I'll try to get a picture uploaded soon.

It's really strange thinking about having another part of the family.  It's just been the five of us for six years, and now there's another little person with us.  A little Madeline Hope Waddell.  And it was amazing to feel all the love in that little room when we went to see her.  Mom and Dad, exhausted and elated, hadn't gotten tired of holding her or smiling at her.  Papaw was pretty giddy, he likes grandkids like every good grandparent.  Rebekah was the best... first-time big sister which made her a little nervous, but proud when she could hold the baby for a few minutes without trouble.  It was great.  One of those moments that are just good all the way through.

Mom and Maddie get to come home sunday afternoon, but because mom had to get a c-section, she won't be able to do much for a couple weeks besides feed the baby and stuff.  I'm excited to see her tomorrow, I hope she opens her eyes :)  Now I'm off to bed, going to watch a movie on my shiny new love.

I've spent too long trying to think of a title, so here it is.

Well, I'm frustrated with rules. I just got cited for my aweeeeesome new high-waisted shorts in chapel. Boooo. I know that those are the rules, but there is no logic behind them. My shorts with tights are not immodest, and the only reason they give is that the dress code is supposed to keep us professional looking. So I can't wear shorts. But I can wear sweatpants and denim skirts. See? Stupid.

In other news, life is wonderful, for no other reason than it is. And God is faithful. Always, always faithful and generous. Good things will happen, maybe not on our time, but at the right time because he works for the good of those who love him.

I love you all, Marta.

not so infinite.

Mmm. I went and saw Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist last night... and it was basically like Juno, but not as good. Michael Cera was the best, but he's always wonderful, and he was basically the same thing that he is in Arrested Development, Superbad and Juno. But not as good.

What I want to know is why they don't make teen movies like they did in the 80's. The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller's Day Off etc. Those were awesome. Now we have Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Step Up, that one about Todd Hamilton and so on. Juno is the cool-kid teen movie of our time, but unlike the brat pack, who successfully made a few good movies of the same general premise, filmmakers have failed to produce another decent movie like it. Probably because it's awesome.

When will my laundry be done?

Warming to the world

Tonight we had one of our hall meetings which I know that none of us look forward to except probably our RA. Can anything mandatory be fun? Augustine said something like - anything we are forced to do we do not do well. Anyway, I'd forgotten that I'd agreed to lead up a "prayer group" which basically means that we get into random groups and I read off a couple questions for everyone to answer and then we pray. The question was: what areas of your life do you need more faith in and what are some anxieties in your life. Or something like that.

The first girl talked openly about how her brother died a year ago and she was still struggling with that. No kidding? The next girl talked about how she's had ovarian cysts for six years. What do you say after something like that? I obviously had no major anxiety in my life, by comparison, except my current worries about a good friend who is in pain. But seriously, we take every minute for granted sometimes.

This weekend I found an old journal from a couple years ago that I had written in. Jade and I were scanning through it, finding funny things about our past to laugh about. But then there was an entry in May 2006 just after my Nana's cancer spread. Looking back, I know now that this was the point where everything started getting worse and didn't get better. I wrote about how I felt, saying that I know one day I'd want to look back and read this and know what I was thinking at the time. The funny this is, I didn't want to look back and remember how I felt. I'd almost forgotten that those hard times were a part of my life. My current life is so wonderful, full of everything good and nothing bad that I can hardly imagine a time when it wasn't. But reading that entry brought everything back. No one in my house was happy. There was a constant cloud, a lingering sorrow and fear that gripped everyone at the time. So much pain and doubt and desperation. I told Jade about the day when my mom found out about the cancer on Nana's liver. About her in the backyard screaming while I was taking a piano lesson, my heart dropping because I could hear her. How awful is that? How amazing that I managed to block it out of my mind for a year and a half.

I guess my point (if I need a point, I don't suppose I do) is that our lives are cycles of sorrow and joy and the things in between. And when we're low we can't imagine getting out of it. And it usually doesn't happen the way we imagine it anyway. Nana didn't get better... but our lives are great now, and I'm sure she's okay in Heaven. After a certain point when acceptance finally climbs into your lap (we didn't even notice it creeping into our house at first) and life produces better days, you begin to forget the horror and the pain.

Nick Drake said, "But you grow up; you do. You mellow out. Buds of compassion push through the cracks in the blackened, bitter soil. Your rage ceases to need a name. You no longer find comfort watching a whacked-out god tormenting a wretched humanity as you learn to forgive yourself and the world. That god of old begins to transmute in your heart; base metals become silver and gold, and you warm to the world."

Greatest Hits

My first post in this blog is inspired by Amy who was inspired by Charlie, a dear and fictional friend of ours. These are my Greatest Hits, some of the best moments of my life. Not big occasions, just little moments in time that meant something. They aren't really in any particular order, because I couldn't just choose one moment to be the best one of my life so far.

Katie's Greatest Hits
-Going to Madame Tussauds wax museum in London and getting scared with my dad and having to take the emergency exit.
-Seeing Manchester Orchestra play at the Social
-Taking a 5 hour car ride to the beach with Jo, listening to the Beatles and eating red laces
-Nana teaching me how to crochet
-My first day in San Fransisco
-Dad reading the Hobbit to me
-My first time speaking in front of my youth group
-Mom and Dad laying in bed with me the night I got into my car accident
-Talking to the man in the waiting room of the hospital in Mobile, Alabama
-Going to the hospital with Jade and Paige the night Ashton was born
-Reading poetry in the library during Summer Scholars with Amy and Jay.
-Sitting in the big web with Tim and Jade, talking about important things.

What makes these things important? Did I know at the time that I would remember them so much? Or that they would make it onto this list of great moments? In five years will these still be important to me? I feel like my short life has been so long already: so many days, friends, tears, laughs, great times :)