Something to do with Love.

Hey, it's a blog!

I don't blog anymore, and I'm sorry if you care, and if you don't care... I'm sorry for myself that I haven't made the time to reflect on my life or been inspired enough to type out a few words. I wish I could share my heart with all of you who are reading this... because it feels so big right now. I feel like I've grown SO much in this last year, like I've become a new person. I feel more connected to the world and people and like I understand a little bit more than I did last year. Which is how it goes, I guess. In any case, I feel like I've lived my life this last year, and that is the most beautiful thing.

I was talking to Aaron the other day as I realized something. A year ago, I was a pretty selfish person. Self-centered. My life was lived for myself, because frankly, who else is there to live for? Friends and family, yes... I did love them and made little sacrifices for them on occasion. But my life was lived, minute by minute, for myself. But I've realized that love is a beautiful and a dangerous thing. Because it really is what we live for. Before this year I lived on my own survival and happiness, but now... I'm literally being sustained by the experience of loving and being loved by this boy. Which is insane and scary... but I've never been this happy. Maybe we're co-dependent, maybe we're just in love. Maybe none of that matters anyway.

So it's a new year and it has brought me so far from where I was. So where will this year go? Eh? I can only imagine. But I do have a few goals at least to kick things off...

I WILLLLLL:
1. practice yoga every week. Saturday morning classes at least twice a month.
2. attend contemplative prayer or some kind of lectio divina group. Check up with Dr. C on that one.
3. Save money. Live simply and pay myself back for the money I've borrowed from my savings.
4. Read up on vegetarianism. A scary thought, but one that's been probing me for a while.
5. Read everyday. From a novel, like I did when I was a kid. I didn't read NEARLY enough last year.

All of this to say, that I love you all and I want to keep writing. And I think I understand this poem now:

Lie still now
while I prepare for my future,
certain hard days ahead,
when I'll need what I know so clearly this moment.

I am making use
of the one thing I learned
of all the things my father tried to teach me:
the art of memory.

I am letting this room
and everything in it
stand for my ideas about love
and its difficulties.

I'll let your love-cries,
those spacious notes
of a moment ago,
stand for distance.

Your scent,
that scent
of spice and a wound,
I'll let stand for mystery.

Your sunken belly
is the daily cup
of milk I drank
as a boy before morning prayer.

The sun on the face
of the wall
is God, the face
I can't see, my soul,

and so on, each thing
standing for a separate idea,
and those ideas forming the constellation
of my greater idea.
And one day, when I need
to tell myself something intelligent
about love,

I'll close my eyes
and recall this room and everything in it:
My body is estrangement.
This desire, perfection.
Your closed eyes my extinction.
Now I've forgotten my
idea. The book
on the windowsill, riffled by wind...
the even-numbered pages are
the past, the odd-
numbered pages, the future.
The sun is
God, your body is milk...

useless, useless...
your cries are song, my body's not me...
no good ... my idea
has evaporated...your hair is time, your thighs are song...
it had something to do
with death...it had something
to do with love.

It liiiiives!

It's school time, which means my brain has begun functioning again. I don't know what it is about summer, but my mind in all its capacities shuts down. I don't read, I barely think, I just swim, live, dance, run, sleep, sing, and eat. So I didn't blog, but I've missed it and I need to now because my mind and heart are clawing at each other without some way to release all the energy.

Too much. I have too much going on. Or it feels that way. 18 hours of school (do-able), 25 hours of work (thank God), house responsibilities (groceries, bill-paying, cleaning, though Charlotte does most of these things), The Oracle (which has yet to truly begin), youth group (which suffers the most from my busyness), and then the things I really love: friends, keeping up with my family, Aaron, and some semblance of a personal spiritual life. I thought I could juggle all of this, but apparently I can't, and it's the youth group that I've dropped. I've missed weeks of meetings, I'm out of the loop, I can't commit. I really feel like I've failed in this, and I hate the thought of leaving and not keeping up with my relationships with those kids. But I think that I needed them more than they needed me. Back in January when I joined the team, I needed a purpose and working with those kids gave me that. But now I can't throw all my energies into it anymore. I can barely show up to services. Knowing that discourages me. But this is a new season in my life, it's different than before. And maybe it's just time to let last season pass away. We'll see...

Anyway, other than that, life is vibrant and I'm alive. I miss my family, but knowing that they're in Israel, having the time of their lives and getting to see and experience all the things I loved so much, makes me glad. I love my classes, though Advanced Grammar and Christian Mystics have been a little draining. But Oral Interp and Contemporary Lit keep me alive, I think they bring out the best in me. I love Charlotte dearly, she's a fantastic housemate. I've spent the last three months falling in love with the boy who must have been made for me. I can feel myself growing, learning, becoming. And I know when writing comes this easily, things must be good.

(Sorry it wouldn't let me embed this) I listen to this song every day now, don't know why. It's a pretty sad song, but maybe it's just the beauty. Who knows.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXOnA_gxdFo

You have tamed me...

"Come and play with me,"

proposed the little prince, "I am so unhappy."

"I cannot play with you," the fox said,
"I am not tamed."

"AH please excuse me,"said the little prince.
But after some thought, he added:
"what does that mean---'tame'?"

"It is an act too often neglected,"
said the fox.
"It means to establish ties."

"To establish ties?"

"Just that," said the fox.
"to me, you are still nothing more than
a little boy who is just like
a hundred thousand other little boys.
And I have no need of you.
And you, on your part, have no need of me.
To you I am nothing more
than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes.
But if you tame me, then we shall need each other.
To me, you will be unique in all the world.
To you, I shall be unique in all the world. . ."

"I am beginning to understand,"
said the little prince.

"There is a flower. . .I think she has tamed me. . ."

But if you tame me,
it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life.
I shall know the sound of a step that will be
different from all the others.
Other steps send me hurrying back
underneath the ground.
Yours will call me, like music out of my burrow.
And then look:
you see the grain-fields down yonder?
I do not eat bread.
Wheat is of no use to me.
The wheat fields have nothing to say to me.
And that is sad.
But you have hair that is the color of gold.
Think how wonderful that will be
when you have tamed me!
The grain, which is also golden,
will bring me back the thought of you.
And I shall love to listen
to the wind in the wheat. . ."

The fox gazed at the little prince,
for a long time.
"Please---tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied.
"But I have not much time.
I have friends to discover,
and a great many things to understand."
 So the little prince tamed the fox.
And when the hour of his departure drew near---

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."  

"It is your own fault," said the little prince.
"I never wished you any sort of harm;
but you wanted me to tame you. . ."  

"Yes that is so", said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes that is so" said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox,
"because of the color of the wheat fields."

 Slowly, all of these things become so much more to me every day.  Life is new. Love is universal and it is real.

Finales.

So, I watched the Office finale, and if you haven't seen it and don't wanna know, stop reading :) Or the Lost finale, for that matter...



I know that the comedy has gone downhill a bit since the earlier seasons, and they're obviously pandering to their new audience, the majority. And the majority like stupid comedy, hook ups and pregnancies. But honestly, I still love it. I know it's simple and universal, but there's something warming about seeing happy people (even fake happy people.) Because I know that love and life do exist and that they're not fantasies.

Also: OMGLOST. I don't know what it is about that show, but it literally consumed about 1/4th of my thoughts since the finale. I love Jacob and who he turned out to be. I kinda thought he'd be evil, but he's basically the Good Guy. He believes in people and that they're capable of succeeding, not just destroying eachother. He's Jesus. And Ben is the ultimate example of Human Sin and selfishness. What about me? He says. Well... what about you? It's not about you...
I DIED when Juliet fell. And I have no idea what's going to happen. But I suspect that history will have changed and they won't crash on the island, as planned. But if Lost's idea of destiny is true, all the people who are meant to be together, and all the people who are meant to die, will still happen. You know? Like Eternal Sunshine.

Sad that my only post in a month is about tv shows. But this is my life, friends. I go to school, go to work, spend time with people I love, and get absorbed by good stories. The end.

I'm feeling rough, feeling raw, in the time of my life...

We talked about change. He said he felt like he was watching me grow up, and I laughed. But we're all growing up so fast. These are the times of our lives--college, first real jobs, education, life outside your home. I said I was almost afraid to make decisions because I knew... one month, two months later... I'd feel differently. But that doesn't make me cautious. And it doesn't make me remorseful. Because I know that I am me, and it's okay that I change my mind, my style, my self. Because in all that changing I never become something other than Katie. And that brings me comfort and peace. And I've got the feeling that I'm becoming a little more myself every day.

Where the heart is...

I'm absolutely overflowing with emotions right now. This has been an insane couple days. Less than two days ago I was in Jerusalem, walking the city walls, slipping on the limestone, eating falafel, chilling out on the roof with good friends and a bag of sunflower seeds. It was the most glorious time. That city is incredible, and I didn't realize just how much I'd miss it. Getting to wake up every day and see the white limestone skyline of the old city... I was so privileged.

Now I expect to hear Hebrew, to see dark skin and hair, to feel humbled by my alien-ness. Driving back into Lakeland and having lunch at Moe's–which had always felt like home–was strange today. I was almost uncomfortable, in a way. But coming home. That's another story. Being greeted by the happy yips of my dog, smelling my house's smell, the openness and brightness of our Florida home, setting foot in my room again–that was fantastic. I'm so glad I have a home to come to–and I can't imagine anyone loving home more than I do.

Always take the opportunity to travel–getting away from routine changes you. I received more than a tan in Jerusalem. But I hope that you all always have a home to go to, whether it's a house or a person, everyone needs a harbour to come back to.

Live.

Chris just showed me a fantastic Bon Iver video. I love live performances... I get so excited, there's really nothing like a good live show.

So here's a few videos. It's not the same as being there, but these are performances that you really shouldn't miss seeing, even in youtube. The last one I recorded when I saw Manchester Orchestra, who put on a great show.

Bon Iver - Skinny Love


Arcade Fire - Neon Bible and Wake Up


Sufjan Stevens - For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti


Manchester Orchestra - just a random hymn