Reconnecting

Something to do with Love.

2010-01-06T19:22:00.001-08:00

Hey, it's a blog!

I don't blog anymore, and I'm sorry if you care, and if you don't care... I'm sorry for myself that I haven't made the time to reflect on my life or been inspired enough to type out a few words. I wish I could share my heart with all of you who are reading this... because it feels so big right now. I feel like I've grown SO much in this last year, like I've become a new person. I feel more connected to the world and people and like I understand a little bit more than I did last year. Which is how it goes, I guess. In any case, I feel like I've lived my life this last year, and that is the most beautiful thing.

I was talking to Aaron the other day as I realized something. A year ago, I was a pretty selfish person. Self-centered. My life was lived for myself, because frankly, who else is there to live for? Friends and family, yes... I did love them and made little sacrifices for them on occasion. But my life was lived, minute by minute, for myself. But I've realized that love is a beautiful and a dangerous thing. Because it really is what we live for. Before this year I lived on my own survival and happiness, but now... I'm literally being sustained by the experience of loving and being loved by this boy. Which is insane and scary... but I've never been this happy. Maybe we're co-dependent, maybe we're just in love. Maybe none of that matters anyway.

So it's a new year and it has brought me so far from where I was. So where will this year go? Eh? I can only imagine. But I do have a few goals at least to kick things off...

I WILLLLLL:
1. practice yoga every week. Saturday morning classes at least twice a month.
2. attend contemplative prayer or some kind of lectio divina group. Check up with Dr. C on that one.
3. Save money. Live simply and pay myself back for the money I've borrowed from my savings.
4. Read up on vegetarianism. A scary thought, but one that's been probing me for a while.
5. Read everyday. From a novel, like I did when I was a kid. I didn't read NEARLY enough last year.

All of this to say, that I love you all and I want to keep writing. And I think I understand this poem now:

Lie still now
while I prepare for my future,
certain hard days ahead,
when I'll need what I know so clearly this moment.

I am making use
of the one thing I learned
of all the things my father tried to teach me:
the art of memory.

I am letting this room
and everything in it
stand for my ideas about love
and its difficulties.

I'll let your love-cries,
those spacious notes
of a moment ago,
stand for distance.

Your scent,
that scent
of spice and a wound,
I'll let stand for mystery.

Your sunken belly
is the daily cup
of milk I drank
as a boy before morning prayer.

The sun on the face
of the wall
is God, the face
I can't see, my soul,

and so on, each thing
standing for a separate idea,
and those ideas forming the constellation
of my greater idea.
And one day, when I need
to tell myself something intelligent
about love,

I'll close my eyes
and recall this room and everything in it:
My body is estrangement.
This desire, perfection.
Your closed eyes my extinction.
Now I've forgotten my
idea. The book
on the windowsill, riffled by wind...
the even-numbered pages are
the past, the odd-
numbered pages, the future.
The sun is
God, your body is milk...

useless, useless...
your cries are song, my body's not me...
no good ... my idea
has evaporated...your hair is time, your thighs are song...
it had something to do
with death...it had something
to do with love.

It liiiiives!

2009-09-03T08:13:00.001-07:00

It's school time, which means my brain has begun functioning again. I don't know what it is about summer, but my mind in all its capacities shuts down. I don't read, I barely think, I just swim, live, dance, run, sleep, sing, and eat. So I didn't blog, but I've missed it and I need to now because my mind and heart are clawing at each other without some way to release all the energy.

Too much. I have too much going on. Or it feels that way. 18 hours of school (do-able), 25 hours of work (thank God), house responsibilities (groceries, bill-paying, cleaning, though Charlotte does most of these things), The Oracle (which has yet to truly begin), youth group (which suffers the most from my busyness), and then the things I really love: friends, keeping up with my family, Aaron, and some semblance of a personal spiritual life. I thought I could juggle all of this, but apparently I can't, and it's the youth group that I've dropped. I've missed weeks of meetings, I'm out of the loop, I can't commit. I really feel like I've failed in this, and I hate the thought of leaving and not keeping up with my relationships with those kids. But I think that I needed them more than they needed me. Back in January when I joined the team, I needed a purpose and working with those kids gave me that. But now I can't throw all my energies into it anymore. I can barely show up to services. Knowing that discourages me. But this is a new season in my life, it's different than before. And maybe it's just time to let last season pass away. We'll see...

Anyway, other than that, life is vibrant and I'm alive. I miss my family, but knowing that they're in Israel, having the time of their lives and getting to see and experience all the things I loved so much, makes me glad. I love my classes, though Advanced Grammar and Christian Mystics have been a little draining. But Oral Interp and Contemporary Lit keep me alive, I think they bring out the best in me. I love Charlotte dearly, she's a fantastic housemate. I've spent the last three months falling in love with the boy who must have been made for me. I can feel myself growing, learning, becoming. And I know when writing comes this easily, things must be good.

(Sorry it wouldn't let me embed this) I listen to this song every day now, don't know why. It's a pretty sad song, but maybe it's just the beauty. Who knows.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXOnA_gxdFo

You have tamed me...

2009-06-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

"Come and play with me,"

proposed the little prince, "I am so unhappy."

"I cannot play with you," the fox said,
"I am not tamed."

"AH please excuse me,"said the little prince.
But after some thought, he added:
"what does that mean---'tame'?"

"It is an act too often neglected,"
said the fox.
"It means to establish ties."

"To establish ties?"

"Just that," said the fox.
"to me, you are still nothing more than
a little boy who is just like
a hundred thousand other little boys.
And I have no need of you.
And you, on your part, have no need of me.
To you I am nothing more
than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes.
But if you tame me, then we shall need each other.
To me, you will be unique in all the world.
To you, I shall be unique in all the world. . ."

"I am beginning to understand,"
said the little prince.

"There is a flower. . .I think she has tamed me. . ."

But if you tame me,
it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life.
I shall know the sound of a step that will be
different from all the others.
Other steps send me hurrying back
underneath the ground.
Yours will call me, like music out of my burrow.
And then look:
you see the grain-fields down yonder?
I do not eat bread.
Wheat is of no use to me.
The wheat fields have nothing to say to me.
And that is sad.
But you have hair that is the color of gold.
Think how wonderful that will be
when you have tamed me!
The grain, which is also golden,
will bring me back the thought of you.
And I shall love to listen
to the wind in the wheat. . ."

The fox gazed at the little prince,
for a long time.
"Please---tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied.
"But I have not much time.
I have friends to discover,
and a great many things to understand."
So the little prince tamed the fox.
And when the hour of his departure drew near---

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince.
"I never wished you any sort of harm;
but you wanted me to tame you. . ."

"Yes that is so", said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes that is so" said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox,
"because of the color of the wheat fields."

Slowly, all of these things become so much more to me every day. Life is new. Love is universal and it is real.

Finales.

2009-05-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

So, I watched the Office finale, and if you haven't seen it and don't wanna know, stop reading :) Or the Lost finale, for that matter...

I know that the comedy has gone downhill a bit since the earlier seasons, and they're obviously pandering to their new audience, the majority. And the majority like stupid comedy, hook ups and pregnancies. But honestly, I still love it. I know it's simple and universal, but there's something warming about seeing happy people (even fake happy people.) Because I know that love and life do exist and that they're not fantasies.

Also: OMGLOST. I don't know what it is about that show, but it literally consumed about 1/4th of my thoughts since the finale. I love Jacob and who he turned out to be. I kinda thought he'd be evil, but he's basically the Good Guy. He believes in people and that they're capable of succeeding, not just destroying eachother. He's Jesus. And Ben is the ultimate example of Human Sin and selfishness. What about me? He says. Well... what about you? It's not about you...
I DIED when Juliet fell. And I have no idea what's going to happen. But I suspect that history will have changed and they won't crash on the island, as planned. But if Lost's idea of destiny is true, all the people who are meant to be together, and all the people who are meant to die, will still happen. You know? Like Eternal Sunshine.

Sad that my only post in a month is about tv shows. But this is my life, friends. I go to school, go to work, spend time with people I love, and get absorbed by good stories. The end.

I'm feeling rough, feeling raw, in the time of my life...

2009-04-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

We talked about change. He said he felt like he was watching me grow up, and I laughed. But we're all growing up so fast. These are the times of our lives--college, first real jobs, education, life outside your home. I said I was almost afraid to make decisions because I knew... one month, two months later... I'd feel differently. But that doesn't make me cautious. And it doesn't make me remorseful. Because I know that I am me, and it's okay that I change my mind, my style, my self. Because in all that changing I never become something other than Katie. And that brings me comfort and peace. And I've got the feeling that I'm becoming a little more myself every day.

Where the heart is...

2009-04-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

I'm absolutely overflowing with emotions right now. This has been an insane couple days. Less than two days ago I was in Jerusalem, walking the city walls, slipping on the limestone, eating falafel, chilling out on the roof with good friends and a bag of sunflower seeds. It was the most glorious time. That city is incredible, and I didn't realize just how much I'd miss it. Getting to wake up every day and see the white limestone skyline of the old city... I was so privileged.

Now I expect to hear Hebrew, to see dark skin and hair, to feel humbled by my alien-ness. Driving back into Lakeland and having lunch at Moe's–which had always felt like home–was strange today. I was almost uncomfortable, in a way. But coming home. That's another story. Being greeted by the happy yips of my dog, smelling my house's smell, the openness and brightness of our Florida home, setting foot in my room again–that was fantastic. I'm so glad I have a home to come to–and I can't imagine anyone loving home more than I do.

Always take the opportunity to travel–getting away from routine changes you. I received more than a tan in Jerusalem. But I hope that you all always have a home to go to, whether it's a house or a person, everyone needs a harbour to come back to.

Live.

2009-04-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

Chris just showed me a fantastic Bon Iver video. I love live performances... I get so excited, there's really nothing like a good live show.

So here's a few videos. It's not the same as being there, but these are performances that you really shouldn't miss seeing, even in youtube. The last one I recorded when I saw Manchester Orchestra, who put on a great show.

Bon Iver - Skinny Love

Arcade Fire - Neon Bible and Wake Up

Sufjan Stevens - For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti

Manchester Orchestra - just a random hymn

2009-04-11T03:26:00.000-07:00

Hello folks.

I miss you, and I miss home. I mean, I'll be sad when we leave, and I'll definitely miss this city, but there's just too much about home that I miss. The people, my lifestyle, my bed, brownies–so much.

Bon Iver's For Emma, Forever Ago was voted best album of the year by a lot of sources I trust. And acclaimed by friends. But I never really got into it, though I tried. I put it in my playlists, listened to it on shuffle, but I never loved it.

But at some point in time, Skinny Love grabbed me and said, "Hey, I'm AWESOME." I'm quite the fan now. I'm slowly creeping through the whole album, finding myself falling in love with all of it. Here's another good track. I have a special kind of appreciation for an album that grows on me.

2009-03-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gotten to a place in your life where you feel like you could go in a million directions? I mean, presently, I'll be living in Lakeland until I graduate. Living at home, getting an education, yada yada.

But after that? Anywhere! I could go ANYWHERE. I could literally do anything. And there's so many things to do! I could do the au pair thing, in Europe. I could do the school thing (amazing grad schools everywhere! Portland! Boston! Chicago! North Carolina! San Fransisco!) or I could do the teaching thing and go to Asia or Africa or the Middle East. Or the peace corps, or just take a year off and do whatever I want.

I'm feeling that feeling like the first time you read "Oh, the Places You'll Go." Or the first time you realize that there's a whole WORLD out there. It's a big world. But not so big that I can't take it in. I plan on taking it in.

Besides this glorious, liberating feeling, I'm also crazy excited by the fact that when I come home, it'll only be a few short weeks until summer. Summer means no classes. Shorts and skirts and tank tops. Thrift stores and windows-down-driving-to-the-beach.
I don't know about my job situation, if I'll be able to work at school or if I'll need to work at Barnes and Noble again (if they let me) or something else. But in any case, it's coming soon, and I'm glad.

You are my favorite.

2009-03-28T00:02:00.001-07:00

So I was catching up on my blog-following (it's Shabbat, we've got the day off!) and bumped into Lauri's little list of favorite things, and I love lists of favorite things so I thought I'd share too :) but I too have a problem choosing ONE thing, so this is a little revised.

My Favorite Picture Lately
[of myself]

(his name was Jacov)

[just in general]

(this says "Salaam", which means "Peace" in Arabic.)

My Favorite Poem Lately

"Everyday You Play" by Pablo Neruda (one stanza)

You are like nobody since I love you.
Let me spread you out among yellow garlands.
Who writes your name in letters of smoke among the stars of the south?
Oh let me remember you as you were before you existed.

My Favorite Item of Clothing Lately

A good scarf.

My Favorite Quote Lately

"I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart." - Anne Frank.
That word "everything" encompasses way too much.

My Favorite Place Lately

Chocolate by the Bald Man - a gelato place close by.
You don't know how many sheqels I've spent.

My Favorite Song Lately

My Favorite Disney Princess (lately?)

Jasmine.
She was my favorite when I was little, I used to tell people my name was Jasmine.
She rocks.
but I love Belle too :)

2009-03-20T03:21:00.000-07:00

Here's a lil update.

Tuesday we went up into the northern country and went on a couple hikes and saw some ancient ruins. We also saw the borders of Syria and Lebanon, and got to hear a lot about modern Israeli history and conflicts. Cool stuff.

Wednesday we went to the Israel Museum and saw a huge model of the ancient city. You wouldn't believe how enormous the Temple was when it was standing. Incredible. The height of the dome of the rock fits inside the doorway. We also saw some of the Dead Sea Scrolls, and got to spend a while in a synagogue, talking to the hazzan (like an assistant-Rabbi/worship leader).

Yesterday we spent the day in Tel Aviv, which was a huge contrast to Jerusalem. It's just a modern city with all the things you expect a modern city to have. We did, however, see some of Jaffa, the ancient city that Tel Aviv was built next to. And we saw the Mediterranean sea.

Things are going well. Everyone's settling in, we're getting to know eachother, and no one's been fighting. All I can ask for. AND I successfully downloaded Lost. So life is good. But I haven't watched it yet, so don't say anything :)

I've also decided that I want to learn Arabic. The end. I just need to find a program or a school or something where I can learn. Worst case scenario, I guess I could just do the Rosetta Stone thing, but that's expensive and I'm not sure if I could really teach it to myself like that. Anyway. I miss you all at home, I hope life is good.

Threeeeeee.

2009-03-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

Today was heavy, man.
I wrote a blog about today for the official trip blog, so I won't bother restating everything I said. If you're reaaaally interested, here's a link. http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/topic.php?uid=38681792579&topic=9588

But we went to the Western Wall and prayed and watched a couple Bar Mitzphah's, which was cool. Then we trekked up Mount Zion to where the bus was parked, only to realize that two of our girls were missing, and were back at the Wall. We then proceeded to Yad Vashem, the Holocaust Museum, which was one of the most intense, emotional, heartbreaking experiences of my life.

My conclusion about today is this: I should be more careful about what I think. Before coming I was SO anti-Zionism, I thought it was racist and irrelevant and un-biblical. But after being here and listening to people talk about it, and particularly after Yad Vashem, I have come to the conclusion that I should pause to think and consider. Maybe it's a more complicated issue than I had assumed. In any case, I'm more emotionally involved in the issue after today.

Pictures!

Men praying at the Wall. Women weren't allowed on that side, we had our own little piece of the Wall. The boys' side was bigger :P

this is our tour guide, Jane, who was originally from England, but has spent the last 30 years (from college onward) in Jerusalem, which gives her a crazy weird accent. Then, Ms. Rina, Dr. van der Laan's wife, and my favorite lady. And Ryan.

Yad Vashem was the most beautifully set up museum or memorial I've ever seen. It's almost like a huge concrete tunnel, you walk through the exhibits and by the end your heart is so heavy. But then you come out the other end into this bright white light and look out over Jerusalem. The gray triangle is kind of the backside of the museum.

Day 2

2009-03-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been here for a week, but today's only our second full day. I basically feel like we're operating outside of time, like Jerusalem is on another planet. It's an insane feeling.
But! I'm loving it :) I love listening to people speaking Hebrew, I love pita bread and hummus (I'm not a hummus fan, but the hummus here is amazing!) I love Dr. van der Laan and Ms. Rina, I love our room and our shower and Luis, the really sweet owner of the house.

Today we went to the Tower of David museum. First of all, it was rainy all day, which is a blessing for Israel which is in a drought, but a nuisance for us. So between the rain and the big stone tower, it actually reminded me of London. London's the only other place I've ever been that's "old." But Jerusalem is thousands of years older than London. It blows my mind how OLD everything is. Literally ancient.

We ate lunch at a tiny little hole-in-the-wall cafe (literally, it was a hole in the wall...) and listened to the pastor of the messianic congregation speak. His son, Calev, is a lawyer who works for civil rights for messianic Jews who are denied as "real" Jews because they "converted." He was pretty inspiring. And attractive ;) and married...

Then I spent about an hour with Jess and Ryan trying to get to a pharmacy where I could buy some Robitussin, because I've been coughing like an old man. Let me tell you, I love nothing more than that Robitussin right now.

But my favorite part of the day was at the museum when I was SWARMED by a pack of twelve year old Israeli school boys who were all throwing us peace signs and saying, "Peace! Peace! Shalom!" and "Yes we can! Yes we can!" Here's my conversation with one kid:
kid: Where are you from?
me: America.
kid: oh! Britain or USA?
me: USA?
kid: oh okay! Virginia tech?
me: no, Florida.
kid: you know Shaquil O'Neal? Phoenix Suns?
me: yeah, sure... you know Disney World?
kid: yeah! Orlando! I went there last year...
me: yeah, I live there...
kid: My bar mitzvah's next week, you wanna come?

They were crazy. Anyway, here's a couple pictures :)

This is a glass sculpture hanging in the museum. I've seen this guy's work before, but I don't remember his name, has anyone ever seen one of these? It was so cool close up :)

This is our view of the city at night from our balcony. I wish it was a better picture :/ But if you look close you can see the dome.

This was a view from the tower. Right there, the hill to the right of the dome is the Mount of Olives, which is where Jesus was supposed to have ascended into Heaven. Holy crap.

Hola from Jerusalem.

2009-03-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm here at the holy land, sittin' in the window seat in our room which is the only place where you can get internet access. We've walked around town, went around the old city and David's castle, went to a messianic synagogue, and ate gellato. Here's a few pictures of our first couple days :)

1. This is our walk along the wall that surrounds the old city. It was old.
2. This is from the wall, the best shot so far of the Dome. I don't care who you sympathize with, it's definitely the most beautiful thing on the skyline.
3. This is the name of our little room, which I'm pretty positive is the best room in the building. The house is really nice, very cozy, just INCREDIBLY cold at night.
4. the view from the top of the house where there's a little balcony. That'd be the dome of the rock, there.

So, I'll post more later :) tomorrow we're going to a museum about David? Monday is the holocaust museum. Tuesday is our first day-trip to Galilee. We've got really limited internet access, but I do have skype if you wanna say hi, I'm usually on in the afternoon your time (night-time here.)

I've made a huge mistake.

2009-03-09T00:53:00.000-07:00

Note to self: don't take naps at 8 pm. Because then you'll wake up at 10 and not be able to go back to sleep. And you'll watch three or four episodes of Arrested Development. And St. Elmo's Fire.

However, I think I just came to the conclusion that staring at a computer screen for hours does not put you to sleep. It's unnatural. I need darkness, warmth, soothing music and peace of mind. Not LCD brightness. But I'm still here, staring at the screen, watching the words type themselves out...

Lessons learned tonight:
1. no late naps.
2. the last half of season 3 tanked.
3. don't do coke and have sex with friends and tease your hair out like Demi Moore.
4. learn to turn the laptop off.

Saturday March 7, 2009.

2009-03-07T06:32:00.000-08:00

Today, might very well be the most productive day of my life. I'm excited for it, I'm ready. There is a list. A to-do list.

1. Clean my room - you may think this is a small task, but it will most definitely take me a few hours. You don't know. I don't want you to know.

2. Go shopping - I have a lot to buy for the trip (little things) and I'm trying to hunt down an inexpensive jacket that's thicker than the one I have now, which I think will be insufficient.

3. Take Laynee out for ice cream - I know you're not supposed to have favorites when you work with kids, but Laynee's probably my favorite kid. She's homeschooled, 13, a genius, and maybe more spiritually mature than I am. Love her.

4. Write another book report - I wrote one last night and it only took me about an hour and a half. I hope Dr. van der Laan can't tell how little I know about the material.

That's my Saturday. It probably still leaves a little time to chill/hang out. Right now, I'm sitting in my bed, and through the wall I can hear Rebekah watching Mulan. That was a good one. She just lost both her bottom teeth and one on the top (the other one's loose.) Nothing cuter than toothless kids.

Also: I really want to see Watchmen. I probably won't have time before I go, unless anyone wants to go Tuesday night...

How am I not myself?

2009-03-04T07:04:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.

I feel like I'm missing an anchor, like I'm just careening off walls, disoriented. I don't know what's causing this, it's probably a lot of things. Like the fact that I'm getting older and I can't run to my mom for everything anymore. I spent my life at home, that was my foundation. But now, though I'm still living at home, my mind resides somewhere else. I feel like I'm floating between adolescence and adulthood. Like that Britney Spears song. No longer a girl, not yet a woman... or something. Forgive me for that.

I don't know what I need. I know what I want. But I'm not sure that that's a solution. "I don't want what I always want, nobody does, not really!" to quote Coraline ;) But I do want what I want. Theoretically, I want the things that will make me most like myself... that's what's important to me. Being me. But it's hard to feel like me when I'm just floating. Maybe that's why I'm so bothered by this feeling. I'm afraid of floating to a place that's not me. I just want to be what I am, and not what I'm not.

How to fail at life.

2009-02-28T20:37:00.001-08:00

In an effort to a) motivate myself and b) make myself feel like a complete failure, I've compiled a list of movies and books that I need to see/read. Please make suggestions :) I trust you all.

These are in no particular order-
Movies I need to see:
The Fountain
Almost Famous
Schindler's List
Big Fish
Science of Sleep
A Beautiful Mind
Capote
Into the Wild
Citizen Kane
No Country for Old Men
Frost/Nixon
The Reader
There Will Be Blood
The Departed
Crash
Saving Private Ryan
The Godfather
Dead Poets Society
Terms of Endearment
Gandhi
Annie Hall
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
The Big Lebowski
Magnolia
Being John Malkovich

Books I need to read:
Everything is Illuminated
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Breakfast of Champions
Catcher in the Rye
Of Mice and Men
1984
Brave New World
High Fidelity
Things They Carried
My Antonia
A Thousand Splendid Suns
Irresistible Revolution
Franny and Zooey
Something by Vonnegut
Till We Have Faces
On the Road

So that's basically just off the top of my head, so I'm sure there's a lot I've forgotten.

I'm not afraid of anything, even time.

2009-02-27T20:20:00.000-08:00

So, I failed completely the first two days of Lent. Didn't even buy my journal until yesterday. Wrote in it tonight. But actually, I think it's going to be really good for me. I haven't realized it until now, but I've been really negligent of my personal/devotional/spiritual/introspective life.

Also for your consideration: a few songs that I really like right now.

1. The Golden Floor - Snow Patrol
(so, Snow Patrol has gotten progressively cornier with each release, but this song is cool :] has a cool beat)
2. Closer - Kings of Leon
(I don't know, this one is just kinda bad-ass)
3. I Know - Dear & the Headlights
(their new album is great! They grew a lot, added more depth musically)
4. Thanksgiving - Deb Talan
(I think this is thanks to Steve's mix, but I find myself singing this song aaaall the time)
5. Jon Foreman
(been playing all his music, but specifically I like "March", "Instead of a Show" and "Southbound Train")
6. Her Morning Elegance - Oren Lavie
(Thanks Chris for posting this video one day, the song is wonderful)
7. Devil Dressed in Blue - Right Away, Great Captain!
(This is Manchester Orchestra's lead singer Andy Hull's solo project. I'm a fan :)

That's my current list of favs, the tracks I play most often nowadays.

Tomorrow it is Saturday and I will laugh in the face of SEU's dress code.

9 dollar Free Pancakes.

2009-02-24T19:49:00.000-08:00

First blog in over a week! yay!

All I really have to say is that I've decided what I'm doing for Lent this year. I was thinking about giving up sweets (oh my god, how hard would THAT be? I'm an awful snacker) BUT, as I'm going to Israel, I figured there would be 1) instances where I'd like to try local things that are sweets 2) not too many instances where I'd have access to a lot of snackfood.

So! I've decided that instead of giving up something, I'd take action. For Lent I'm going to be committed to journaling. Like, in a journal. I've always been a terrible journal-er, I can never keep it up. But I think it's a good practice, it'll be good for me and it'll give me some time every day to have some introspection and whatnot. And it'll be great when I'm in Israel too :)

By the way, that's like, two weeks away. Holy crap. I'm pretty excited about the idea of travelling so far. But it's starting to make me sad that I'll be gone from here for five weeks... I'll miss you. And as I'm reading through the textbooks, I'm getting discouraged a little. I'm a weeeee bit sickened by the overwhelming anti-palestinian political leanings of some of the students at SEU. And I have to write a book report on this book "the Promised Land: prophecy and the future of Israel blah blah blah" that was really rough. I'm all about history and ancient things and different cultures (particularly middle eastern cultures) but I'm not down for any "Jerusalem is heaven, let's kick out all the infidels" crap.

Speaking of book reports: I have seven books to read before I go. And sneakers to buy. And bags to pack. I should clean my room before I leave. And I hope I get to watch Lost.

I want to go to there.

What I learned this week...

2009-02-16T09:24:00.000-08:00

Things I learned this week.

1. I should never accompany people for any kind of piercing/medical procedure. I'm not very good at being supportive. I mostly just pass out.

2. If he's interested, he'll make it happen (one of the many lessons learned from 'He's just not that into you')

3. It sucks being sick, and it's sad that we always take it for granted when we're not sick. Take a deep breath through your nose and be glad.

4. Women (in general) over-analyze. I'm not a very analytical person, but it's true of me too.

5. We usually notice things we don't like about ourselves that other people (the general public) never notice. Also, the things we're insecure about we notice in other people (bad teeth, bad posture, acne etc.) We're all just self-centered, basically.

This is third list-blog that I've done lately. Apparently I'm incapable of writing in paragraphs nowadays. I don't have much to say. The well's run dry, my friends.

My boy.

2009-02-13T06:34:00.001-08:00

I spent an hour yesterday in the car with this adorable little boy. This is Ashton, Jade and Paige's little brother. He's about 20 months old, is the smartest baby ever, and loves me :) I was there the night he was born (running around the hospital, trying to find the right room) and have been able to watch him grow up, learn how to walk, learn new words (his vocab is huge!) and he definitely said my name before my little sisters ever did. And he likes trucks.

Anyway, this kid is my little brother, he's fantastic and I love hanging out with him and tickling his toes and hearing him say my name. There's nothing like being loved by a little kid. I know I won't ever need a man as long as Ashton loves me ;)

Why I get up in the morning.

2009-02-10T18:54:00.001-08:00

Maybe I'm just turning into Amy in her absence, but here's a list :) A list of the reasons why I get up in the morning.

Things I Live For:
1. Spending time with people I love and that I am constantly assured, love me too.
2. Moments to myself (driving, walking, getting ready in the morning) when I can reflect and remember the things I need to remember.
3. Renewal: a good conversation with mom, a refreshing nap, reading something that inspires, realizing something about myself that I never knew.
4. Making things: a bracelet, a blanket, a card, a pan of brownies.
5. Living my life with the knowledge and awareness of a God who loves, whose essence is love, who is naught but love.

Basically, I think those five things are the most important to me. People, solitude, renewal, creation and God/love.

Some things that almost made the list:
*brownies
*mango smoothies
*Lost
*foreign accents

Oh, elope with me in private and we'll set something ablaze.

2009-02-08T19:21:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm watching Ever After :) it was my favorite movie when I was little. I mean, really, it's fantastic. And I've found that I remember ever word.

Things to look forward to this week (I've got my life organized on my iCal now, thank you Mac):
-Having my lit critique done.
-the Finer Things
-Studying for Greek? :/
-Movies with the girls?
-Making valentines at Kara's house
-Spending my valentine's day feeding homeless guys at the Talbot House and staying the night with Jade on her birthday

Why this weekend was great (despite the fact that I'm nastysick):
-2 hours of Apples to Apples with good friends
-Chilling out with Danielle
-Cookie-topped brownies
-30 Rock
-old episodes of Lost with Lauri, the Lost-virgin
-Sleeping in the same room with Charlotte and Lauri
-Having nice dreams
-Steve's feel-better gifts
-Munchin' at the Macaroni Grill
-Wandering around Lake Mirror with Steve, Charlotte and Lauri

P.S. I can breathe through my nose now :)

Ol' Reliable.

2009-02-04T05:10:00.001-08:00

I think I've realized that I'm not a very reliable person. Not when it comes to getting things done, anyway... examples: it's taken me three days to bring my submissions to school so I can switch with Mike (who read his on time). Also, I read the submissions last night, and I've had them for months. I never do my homework. I told Justin I'd come to starbucks and I didn't. I forgot I had to babysit my sisters and wouldn't have shown up if I hadn't called my mom. I'm late for most meetings I attend. I'm bad at calling people back or replying to emails. I'm usually late for work. I'm bad at returning clothes/books/movies that I borrow. I start projects and never finish them (or finish them right at the last minute).

The list goes on. So I'm sorry if I've ever let you down, it's really not a reflection on how I feel about you, it's just cause when it comes to these things, I'm less considerate than I should be.

Kudos, Publix.

2009-02-03T17:23:00.000-08:00

So my options were 1) watch my sisters, including the baby, while mom went to the grocery store or 2) take the list and do the shopping myself. I opted for the shopping.

I realized that I hadn't been in Publix in a really long time. It was nice :) and I knew that I wouldn't be running into any Southeastern students. Because North Lakeland is like it's own city. There are people here that will never meet the people who live in South Lakeland. The atmosphere is pretty different. North Lakeland is home. While I did not run into classmates, I ran into a handful of people that I know: people from the church I used to attend, B&N coworkers and customers, my old piano teacher :) people from the community.

To add to this general feeling of happiness and good will that I got from grocery shopping, while I was walking through the aisles She & Him's "Why Don't You Let Me Stay Here?" was playing and while I was waiting in the line at the deli, there was an older black lady who looked exactly like Rose from Lost. And she was sweet :)

All in all it was a nice experience and I realized how much I missed hanging around the northside. I also realized that even though I'm in college and supposed to be going through that "I never wanna settle down, I'm scared of getting older" thing... it's not scary to me. I don't fear the days when I'll be grocery shopping for a family that belongs to me, seeing the same friendly faces in the grocery store every week. And I'm not really the house-keeping type (I'm barely the dorm-keeping type). It's not about housewifery. It's about the community.

Sunday Morning Reflections

2009-02-01T05:04:00.000-08:00

1. I should be taking a shower, but I want to do this :)

2. I realized (though, I think Amy has said this before) that I like hearing people say my name. Or rather, hearing it said to me. It makes everything more special.

3. Frankly, I just want to be comfortable in life. Comfortable with myself and the people that I am closest to. I want to be challenged, but happy with what I'm doing, knowing that while I might have to work hard, I am capable of doing it. Knowing that while we'll have issues and disagreements, I'll never have to be embarrassed about burping in front of you or tripping all the time when I walk.

4. I'm pretty unashamedly pentecostal. I've gone through many phases: the crazy-dance-around-speak-in-tongues pentecostal, the I'm-ashamed-because-of-televangelists pentecostal, I'm-pentecostal-but-only-in-my-head pentecostal. But now I think I've reached a balance. Pentecostalism really is okay. At its heart it believes in equality, in justice and in peace. And where intellect fails, when I cannot think my way into God, its mysticism can deepen my understanding. I can be an intellectual and a Pentecostal at the same time.

5. I always have crazy epic dreams that should be action movies. I just had one this morning. I was leaping off of cliffs and running away from bad guys. And at one point I might've been Leonardo DiCaprio, even though I don't like him.

Thanks "25 Random Things" for making us think about ourselves all the time now.

2009-01-12T09:49:00.000-08:00

JFK said "Those who make peaceful revolution impossible make violent revolution inevitable."

I've been thinking about peace and violence and the world, and I think it's interesting that the world seems to even itself out. In the 60's, the peace movement was in response to the Vietnam war and the overwhelming culture of violence that it brought. The peaceful civil rights movement was a successful non-violent protest that actually brought about change, and it happened in that same time period. There's a smattering of that peace movement today: unfortunately, it's mostly just a fashion, but I really think that there is more people that really believe in peace and social justice today than there has been in a long time. Today it is a response to our wars and the wars that daily tear apart the middle east.

It gives me hope. Hope that no matter how much evil and darkness there is in the world, people see to it that the world does not become overwhelmed. We are never completely lost. There is always some remnant of light and hope in the world, and as the forces of darkness grow, it too becomes stronger. Somewhere you can always find a pulse. God has not forsaken us.

Times they are a-changin'

2009-01-07T12:50:00.001-08:00

I feel like I'm stumbling into this new year. I feel like I'm in a new place in life, an awkward place, just like when I was a preteen–gawky, confused, excited, and definitely awkward.

In just a couple weeks I've seen two of my friends move to new and exciting places, while I have 2 more years of Lakeland and Southeastern to look forward to. And although I love my home, something new would be nice. A little change. But like Steve said (through "Life as a House") change happens so slowly that you don't realize it's happening.

So during these next few months I'll be spending my time trying to figure out exactly who I am, learn a little more about the world and how to live in it. How to be. Read more. Listen more. Love more. Worry less. Change, however slow or fast it may be.

How to Be Awesome.

2009-01-05T12:25:00.000-08:00

the new picture on the header of my blog is artwork by Jen Stark, who does all of her sculptures out of paper. Whoa. It's really amazing stuff. Just a stack of paper and an exacto-knife. This one is called "How to Become a Millionaire in 100 Days" and is literally a million pieces of paper. What?!

Here's her website, definitely worth a look. It's cool to see people doing really original things :)
http://www.jenstark.com/index.html

Greetings from the other side.

2008-12-30T10:05:00.000-08:00

Life has been exciting the past few days, haha. I really expected life to go on being the same after 18, but it has been an eventful couple days in this new 18th year of my life. There's more you can do (buy cigarettes, buy lottery tickets, buy R rated movie tickets for underaged friends, stay out all night) all of which I've done. And people really do treat you differently. Even in the eyes of my friends I've somehow changed, clicked over into a new stage in life. Well, hello, I am here, and it's pretty cool.

But I kinda want to throw up cause I didn't sleep last night and all I had in my belly was 3 shots of espresso and a banana. But it's been fantastic, surreal, and nifty in general. Things will die down, I'm sure, but still I am pleasantly surprised by 18. I have a lot of hope and anticipation about this coming year, it has a lot of potential. A part of me aches that I'll never be a kid again... even at 17 I felt more like a kid than I do now. It's just legality, I know, but the way people treat you generally dictates how you feel about yourself. I don't feel like a kid anymore. My parents bought me nice perfume for my birthday, which I've never had, so now I even smell like a lady. Adulthood has never seemed so close... but to everything turn, turn, turn, right?

For some reason I remembered the Flaming Lips song "Do You Realize?" and sang it to Jade yesterday. Those lyrics are so everlasting, eternal, but still remind you of the finiteness of our lives, y'know? "Everyone you know someday will die, but instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know you realize that lives moves fast, it's hard to make the good things last, you realize the sun doesn't do down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round." So maybe time isn't really passing the way I think... maybe I have all the time in the world to be a kid and be an adult and whatever is in between. The point is to make them good, golden moments. And I've had quite a few the last couple days :)

Should the Lord tarry:

2008-12-19T13:30:00.000-08:00

Lately a few of my friends have made "What I want to do before I die" lists, or "Bucket Lists" if you will (is that term original to the Morgan Freeman/Jack Nicholson movie?) I don't mind that it's cliche or whatever, aspirations are good :) Even (perhaps particularly) the silly ones.

So here's my list, it's short, I'll be adding to it I guess.

Purchase something at a silent auction.
Go to Oxford. (I would put "attend" but that's presuming a lot ;]
Learn how to play an instrument.
Live in a major city.
Go on the slingshot ride at the boardwalk.
Get a tattoo.
Travel to the Middle East (This one is about to happen this March!)

I think that's an okay list for now :)

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye!

2008-12-11T22:49:00.001-08:00

I just finished my 8 page research paper and I feel like I just gave birth. Seriously. Writing something like this takes so much out of you, I feel like I've been in labor all day.

Anyway. I think it's pretty good :) I wrote about something I actually care about (feminism and racism) and did an ok job (I think) of integrating my sources. A shout out to Steve who gave me advice on the formatting :) Boo MLA!

I really don't think I can even bring myself to type anymore, it's all I've been doing for hours. But just know that now my semester is officially over, after our little class party tomorrow morning, I'm a free woman. No more assignments now. Not until next semester, that is. But for now, everything is bright, sleepy mornings, chill-out afternoons and a good dose of Christmas spirit :)

thanks to everyone who made this semester awesome–despite the fact that most of my classes sucked, I enjoyed having you all in my life these past few months :)
-To Charlotte, whom I will not be sleeping near anymore, I'll miss your presence in my room, but I know we'll always be roommates at heart :)
-To those who are leaving: you have no idea how much I will miss you, and how much I've cherished our friendship. I know I suck at keeping in touch, so help me out there and don't let me let you go :)
-To new friends: Wow, I'm so glad I met you! Please stick around, I've gotten used to having you in my heart.
-To those who will remain in Lakeland over the break: please call me :) we can totally make this next month a party.

And it was good.

2008-12-04T06:13:00.001-08:00

Last night I was restless. I came home from work later than I was supposed to, my head and jaw hurt (wisdom teeth? I hope not.) and I was somehow sad. I think the sadness came from realizing that maybe the little glows of happysillylove in my heart were fading, from anxiety about this next week, from sadness of all the friends that will be departing.

But thank God for friends. Charlotte and I crawled into our beds at about 12:45, both restless and in subtle pain. We stayed up till about 2 (or I did, Char might've stayed up later), nursing each other's wounds and fears, giving each other comfort in hope and the fact that God is in control and love comes to everyone. We reminded each other of the wonderful friends we have and reflected on some good times. We lamented together over the pain people put each other through (why do we do that? why do we hurt them?) but we had hope, because there are good people out there, and people really are capable of doing good and being good.

San Francisco is ringing in my head.

2008-11-30T20:16:00.000-08:00

You know when something from the past sneaks into your life in little ways? Yeah. I moved away from Oakland 4 years ago, but for some reason these days San Francisco is calling me back. Weird little coincidences like Steve posting a blog about the city, went and saw Four Christmases (bleh...) and it was set there, Hannah asked where "that San Francisco picture went" (it's in my room, above my bed), and when I flipped to a random poem to write a journal entry about tonight, I flipped to "North of San Francisco."

Though I never actually lived IN the city, I wanted to sooooo badly. It was the glorious light in my dim 13th year spent in smoggy, smelly Oakland.

So let's go, you and I, When the evening is spread out against the sky.

Sunshine, tonight.

2008-11-24T22:06:00.001-08:00

It's a good time for blogposts, apparently. We've all been posting more, yeah? We think we have something to say.

2 beautiful things came to me tonight. One of them is Coldplay's Ep/extended album "Prospekts March" which is glorious. I wasn't even expecting it. And now I'm listening to it.

Also: I remembered a video that I love :) And I'm going to share it with you because it's so very very very lovely.

Sigur Ros is beautiful, and even though I don't know the words (they're in Icelandic, see) I love listening to it so much. And this video is so great and happy :)

Also! Me, Jade, and Paige are going to Disney on wednesday, and Jason (my Sparkey) gets to come with us because I have an unexpected extra ticket, and he's never been :) He's moving to Australia in January (everyone is leaving!) and this is a good pre-moving-away-to-the-other-side-of-the-world celebration.

Teamocil!

2008-11-23T11:17:00.000-08:00

I'd like to give a hearty thanks to my friends Steve and Pete with whom I spent a nice evening with on friday. The hot chocolate (or wine, in the guys' case), Wall-E, old records, card games, their encouragement in the face of my love-aches, pomegranate smoke and Arrested Development. It all reminds me of an article I read a looong time ago on relevantmagazine.com. The author quotes C.S. Lewis saying, “next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses.” And for every hour spent sharing thoughts and cuddles and food and movies and pipes, I am thankful for your (all my friends') presence in my life, and the holiness these moments bring. With facebook and texting being the primary way I connect with people nowadays, I'm thankful for the times when we can actually be together. Because, like the Bible says, when we hang out together (even just two or three), He's there.

A Requiem for Holy Moments (Why I Refuse to join Facebook) by Brett McCraken
http://relevantmagazine.com/pc_article.php?id=7476

Also: I watched part of Return of the King last night, and nobody does friendship better than hobbits :)

God's Feminism

2008-11-20T06:01:00.000-08:00

A blog about this subject was inevitable, really, but until yesterday I was unaware of exactly how much I believed these things, and just how contrary they were.

I identify myself as a feminist (a Christian Feminist, like Cotton, Kirk, Dad, etc.) which is not about bra-burning and men hating. It’s about equality, about treating women with the same respect and value as men. But today I realized that it’s so much more than that, and the problem that feminism is trying to mend is so much greater.

You see, a long time ago everything was good. And then people totally messed it up. They sinned, and there were consequences of that sin. To women God said, “your desire will be for your husband, but he will rule over you” (Gen. 3:16.) As a result of sin, our relationship with men was distorted. Beforehand we desired each other, love was received and given, and no one was above another. Now our own desires would be smothered, and we would be forced into not only submission, but a kind of servanthood to man-kind.

Sin is everywhere, everyone is born into a sinful nature that controls the way they think and act. Women function under that sinful nature which has been condemned, cursed. They dress scantily, agree to perform things for men because they desire men. But their desires are not really satisfied, and they always end up bowing down before men, worshipping their rulers, knowing like a broken slave knows that this is the way things are. Men are better, they are more capable, and we need them. We cannot protect ourselves. We cannot be whole without their approval, without their love. So we bow, we cast our eyes down out of reverence, out of humiliation, and give our bodies and our hearts as a sacrifice.

But maybe it can be different. God made things good in the beginning, and he desires to make them that way again. He’s trying to right now. He gave his son as a sacrifice so that our sinful nature can be overturned, so that we can function in a new nature, in a new life. We don’t have to lie anymore, we don’t have to steal, to hurt, to kill, to cause chaos and destruction. We can live in his love and life, and though we will have failures, his forgiveness and mercy is always overflowing, ready to pick us back up so we can keep walking in his light.

The early church got this and they were trying to live it out. They understood that everything they had thought was wrong, and were trying to conform themselves to a totally new mindset. So the women quit acting like servants and started acting like rulers, and the men quit acting like rulers are started acting like servants. Paul shook his head. To the Ephesians he said, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For husbands, this means love your wives just as Christ loved the church” (Ephesians 5.) To the Corinthians he said, “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:3-4.) Paul said, “No, silly, no one should be a ruler and no one should be a servant. Godly relationships mean mutual submission, sacrificial love and reverence for Christ.”

Something in us knows this. Feminism in the 60’s tried to accomplish it by burning bras and hating men. But God never operates through hate, his idea of feminism included love. Lesbians seem to know that this worship and slavehood to men is a bad idea, so they forgo men altogether. Nowadays feminism is preaching the idea that women can be men, work like men and have casual sex like men. But that’s a distortion of God’s good creation too. Women should be able to be successful women in the workplace. There is nothing in their nature that makes them incapable. It is only society’s perception of women that makes them incapable. And sex without love? That’s men’s problem. If they can have sex without love, it’s not us that should become like them, but them that should be come like us. Sex was meant for love.

So my daughters will always know that they are truly capable of anything they want to do, and that they were created with the same glory as men. Whatever society tells them that they need to do, I will let them know that all they need to do is love God, respect every human being, and keep their hearts in God because he will take care of them. They will get their hearts broken, because that’s what happens when you love, but they will be confident in a greater Love that made them beautiful and strong. My sons will be taught the same thing, and they’ll know that whatever their guy friends tell them, it’s better to treat people like people. He will always respect and love women, always have the knowledge in his heart that he was meant for more than casual sex, meant for more than abused power and kingship over his wife and sisters.

I guess you could say this is my life-thesis, my heart’s mission and my boyfriend application ;) thanks for reading it.

αγαπει ἡμας

2008-11-14T20:03:00.000-08:00

Sorry that it's been a little while since I've posted on here, whoops! I guess I haven't had much to say.

But now I do, and what I'm feeling right now is that I am so tired of sin. In that it makes me weary. My sin, my friends' sin, the sin that's everywhere all the time. It's weighing on me like bricks and I can feel myself suffocating. The topic has been cropping up in conversations a lot lately. What is a sin, what isn't, and what we're to do about it. And I've decided that, tentatively, I believe that sin is simply something that is outside God's intended order. I believe that God created this world and everything in it for a purpose, to be a certain way, and sin is the perversion of that right way and order. And every action we make either pushes us more towards death and chaos or towards life and whole-ness. And every sin has a consequence. They all vary, but no matter what sin always affects us and always bites us in the ass. If something is bringing death, not life, into my life then it's a sin.

And I've also decided that we have no hope of living our lives the right, light-bearing, life-giving way if our lives are centered around ourselves. I've got to get my act together and center myself around God. Because it's only then that I can have real love for people and apply myself in the best possible way. Only then that my life is worth something, because He is worth something. My life is only good or valuable if its in God. To think of all the time I've wasted on living purely for myself shatters me. But He is a fountain of forgiveness and unending mercy all the time. I'm overwhelmed by his grace. Every day I get to try and start over again. Try to become most myself, most himself, the most whole and complete I can be.

Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest.
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about the way
He loves us.

Kudos on the parental skills.

2008-10-30T07:49:00.001-07:00

I was talking to my friend the other night about the book "Captivating" and how I've always scoffed at it and he said, "Well, not everybody is as confident in their beauty as you..." which I thought was interesting. I didn't know I come off so confident. then he asked me how I managed to get that way, sure of myself. I didn't really know exactly why, it must have been my parents but I couldn't give him examples.

But I've been thinking about it now. And there are a few reasons for my confidence, my assurance of my value:
1. my family is a good place for girls to be. My mom grew up in a house where her brothers were valued in a more obvious way. The boys carry on the family name, they're more important to the family. And she had awful self-esteem and a nasty teenage-hood. So now her house is different–girls are great and are just as important in family and society as boys.
2. I never felt un-loved. My family is really expressive, always communicating. I always knew why I couldn't do things and I always understood that everything was done because I was loved by my parents. They always gave me enough responsibility, but didn't overwhelm me.
3. I wasn't pampered or princessed to death–I'm not even sure those things give girls a sense of self-worth at all. I was taught to love and to serve, to help out other people before myself and to be responsible for my actions. But my hard work and my creative endeavors were always appreciated and I was always included in the efforts of the family.

So I realize now that I am sure of myself because I was treated by my parents how they would like to be treated. I was valued as a person, not just as a child or as a girl. My value didn't depend on whether or not I did well in school or sports, whether I was cute or sweet, whether I was a boy or girl, whether I was responsible or irresponsible, but just because I was theirs and every child should be loved and appreciated.

thanks mom and dad :)

Wish List.

2008-10-27T18:55:00.000-07:00

We made lists today, of our top ten celebrities and it was funny to see who we picked and didn't pick. So here's my list, complete with pictures.

10. Andy Sandburg - he's funny and frat-boy cute.

9. Cary Grant - So classy. Though my favorite role of his is still Arsenic and Old Lace, just because he was ridiculous.

8. Adrian Brody - Maybe I'm just relating, but the big nose only makes him great-er :>)

7. Jason Bateman - I wanna marry Michael Bluth, the end. Jason is the new American Hugh Grant, bumbling and adorable.

6. Michael Cera - I want to have his socially awkward illegitimate children.

5. Christian Bale - Batman. the end.

4. Joseph Fiennes - Shakespeare. the end.

3. Jim Caviezel - he's holy and hot?

2. John Krasinski - oh Jim. You make office romances hip.

1. Daniel Craig - James Bond. THE. END.

Also: my lady crush, Rachel Weiss. She's the hotttest.

I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

2008-10-26T20:35:00.001-07:00

My favorite thing to do now is driving with my windows down. I really am the happiest then, which is funny because I'm alone. Driving with people in my car is a foreign thing to me, thanks to my parents' rules. When I drive alone, windows down, wind blowing around and through my car, music blowing with the wind, I can be aware of so many things. It's like I open up to the world because I'm not distracted (unless I let myself get distracted.) Tonight I looked at the sky and the whole thing looked like a rainbow–orangey-red scaling up to deep indigo. And I listened to Johnny Cash, which I probably wouldn't have listened to if someone else was in the car with me. And I sang along, which I probably wouldn't have done if someone was with me. Because even for a person that doesn't really "care" what people think of her, I'm still aware all the time. You can't help but be aware. If you're not aware, then you're completely detached from everyone else. And I'm definitely not detached.

Madi made lots of faces at me today. We're friends.

2008-10-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes aren't you just overwhelmed with the wonderful things in the world? So many wonderful things...

things like wind! I love the wind! The world feels like it's alive right now, everything's moving, the air smells beautiful and I am aware of my skin in a good way. In the summer I want to peel it off because I'm so hot, so humid, so blanketed with sweat. But nooooow, it's just wonderful and I'm enjoying my walks to class.

things like quiet evenings! life gets tiring, you know? tonight I didn't do anything, really. Went to Mcdonalds with Charlototta and got a caramel sundae, worked on my current sewing project, watched some Arrested Development, listened to music etc.

things like good friends turning up in unexpected places! like Amy in the bathroom in Graves and Jason in the line in the cafe. and even friends turning up in places that they usually turn up in. I'm always happy to see you :)

things like remembering great times in life! like Christmas carolling when I was little–the snow, the singing, the church bus, the warm apple cider and yummy food at the end of the night. all my summer days and lakeland adventures with my posse.

I'm welcoming the season with open arms–dangling outside the window of my car when I drive at night. Deep breaths and bright eyes to come in these next months. Also: Conor Oberst, Manchester Orchestra and James Bond ;)

a softer world

2008-10-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

for the last hour or so I've been watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets with Hannah while starting the long process of transferring all my music/pictures/documents from my old computer to my new one. I absolutely love weekends. I never ever do homework. Weekends are made for chilling. Tomorrow Mom and Madi get to come home, which is great :) I wish I could stay at home all week and never go to school, but such is life, eh? We gotta get that education.

I was reflecting on my education recently. Everyone is always so surprised to find out that I'm 17, and talk about how smart I am and how they wished they had dual-enrolled or taken college courses earlier. Why? I didn't really plan on finishing so early... it was just the next step. Homeschooling let me go at my own pace, which was a little faster than regular public school, so I finished my high school work a year early. The natural progression then, is to start college. I'm in no hurry... it just kind of happened to me. And other than bragging rights, I don't really see the point of graduating college when you're 19.

All I really want to do is learn things that I don't know, teach things to people so they can learn things they don't know, and enjoy my life.

Enjoying life includes:

Spending saturdays with family, just chilling

eating candy

holding babies

watching the Fellowship of the Ring even though I know every word

and writing blogs just because I want to share my life with friends that I love :)

P.S. if you have a minute (or 15) click on the Rob Bell link on the right and watch his video "Breathe." I looooove it.

All new things.

2008-10-17T19:18:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day :) The first half of it was mostly spent hanging out at the house, cleaning and toying with my amaaaazing new MacBook. I hate to be the person who is in love with her gadgets, but it's really great. And pretty: http://www.apple.com/.

But the reason today was great is because Madeline was born :) at 3:08 by c-section (poor mom.) She's 6 pounds 5 ounces, 20.5 inches long. That's a pretty normal size for a baby, maybe on the small side, but she looks sooooooo tiny! Everything about her is little. And I guess she's pretty thin for her length because she has little chicken legs. I'll try to get a picture uploaded soon.

It's really strange thinking about having another part of the family. It's just been the five of us for six years, and now there's another little person with us. A little Madeline Hope Waddell. And it was amazing to feel all the love in that little room when we went to see her. Mom and Dad, exhausted and elated, hadn't gotten tired of holding her or smiling at her. Papaw was pretty giddy, he likes grandkids like every good grandparent. Rebekah was the best... first-time big sister which made her a little nervous, but proud when she could hold the baby for a few minutes without trouble. It was great. One of those moments that are just good all the way through.

Mom and Maddie get to come home sunday afternoon, but because mom had to get a c-section, she won't be able to do much for a couple weeks besides feed the baby and stuff. I'm excited to see her tomorrow, I hope she opens her eyes :) Now I'm off to bed, going to watch a movie on my shiny new love.

I've spent too long trying to think of a title, so here it is.

2008-10-16T07:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm frustrated with rules. I just got cited for my aweeeeesome new high-waisted shorts in chapel. Boooo. I know that those are the rules, but there is no logic behind them. My shorts with tights are not immodest, and the only reason they give is that the dress code is supposed to keep us professional looking. So I can't wear shorts. But I can wear sweatpants and denim skirts. See? Stupid.

In other news, life is wonderful, for no other reason than it is. And God is faithful. Always, always faithful and generous. Good things will happen, maybe not on our time, but at the right time because he works for the good of those who love him.

I love you all, Marta.

not so infinite.

2008-10-11T08:21:00.000-07:00

Mmm. I went and saw Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist last night... and it was basically like Juno, but not as good. Michael Cera was the best, but he's always wonderful, and he was basically the same thing that he is in Arrested Development, Superbad and Juno. But not as good.

What I want to know is why they don't make teen movies like they did in the 80's. The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller's Day Off etc. Those were awesome. Now we have Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Step Up, that one about Todd Hamilton and so on. Juno is the cool-kid teen movie of our time, but unlike the brat pack, who successfully made a few good movies of the same general premise, filmmakers have failed to produce another decent movie like it. Probably because it's awesome.

When will my laundry be done?

Warming to the world

2008-10-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight we had one of our hall meetings which I know that none of us look forward to except probably our RA. Can anything mandatory be fun? Augustine said something like - anything we are forced to do we do not do well. Anyway, I'd forgotten that I'd agreed to lead up a "prayer group" which basically means that we get into random groups and I read off a couple questions for everyone to answer and then we pray. The question was: what areas of your life do you need more faith in and what are some anxieties in your life. Or something like that.

The first girl talked openly about how her brother died a year ago and she was still struggling with that. No kidding? The next girl talked about how she's had ovarian cysts for six years. What do you say after something like that? I obviously had no major anxiety in my life, by comparison, except my current worries about a good friend who is in pain. But seriously, we take every minute for granted sometimes.

This weekend I found an old journal from a couple years ago that I had written in. Jade and I were scanning through it, finding funny things about our past to laugh about. But then there was an entry in May 2006 just after my Nana's cancer spread. Looking back, I know now that this was the point where everything started getting worse and didn't get better. I wrote about how I felt, saying that I know one day I'd want to look back and read this and know what I was thinking at the time. The funny this is, I didn't want to look back and remember how I felt. I'd almost forgotten that those hard times were a part of my life. My current life is so wonderful, full of everything good and nothing bad that I can hardly imagine a time when it wasn't. But reading that entry brought everything back. No one in my house was happy. There was a constant cloud, a lingering sorrow and fear that gripped everyone at the time. So much pain and doubt and desperation. I told Jade about the day when my mom found out about the cancer on Nana's liver. About her in the backyard screaming while I was taking a piano lesson, my heart dropping because I could hear her. How awful is that? How amazing that I managed to block it out of my mind for a year and a half.

I guess my point (if I need a point, I don't suppose I do) is that our lives are cycles of sorrow and joy and the things in between. And when we're low we can't imagine getting out of it. And it usually doesn't happen the way we imagine it anyway. Nana didn't get better... but our lives are great now, and I'm sure she's okay in Heaven. After a certain point when acceptance finally climbs into your lap (we didn't even notice it creeping into our house at first) and life produces better days, you begin to forget the horror and the pain.

Nick Drake said, "But you grow up; you do. You mellow out. Buds of compassion push through the cracks in the blackened, bitter soil. Your rage ceases to need a name. You no longer find comfort watching a whacked-out god tormenting a wretched humanity as you learn to forgive yourself and the world. That god of old begins to transmute in your heart; base metals become silver and gold, and you warm to the world."

Greatest Hits

2008-10-08T10:59:00.001-07:00

My first post in this blog is inspired by Amy who was inspired by Charlie, a dear and fictional friend of ours. These are my Greatest Hits, some of the best moments of my life. Not big occasions, just little moments in time that meant something. They aren't really in any particular order, because I couldn't just choose one moment to be the best one of my life so far.

Katie's Greatest Hits
-Going to Madame Tussauds wax museum in London and getting scared with my dad and having to take the emergency exit.
-Seeing Manchester Orchestra play at the Social
-Taking a 5 hour car ride to the beach with Jo, listening to the Beatles and eating red laces
-Nana teaching me how to crochet
-My first day in San Fransisco
-Dad reading the Hobbit to me
-My first time speaking in front of my youth group
-Mom and Dad laying in bed with me the night I got into my car accident
-Talking to the man in the waiting room of the hospital in Mobile, Alabama
-Going to the hospital with Jade and Paige the night Ashton was born
-Reading poetry in the library during Summer Scholars with Amy and Jay.
-Sitting in the big web with Tim and Jade, talking about important things.

What makes these things important? Did I know at the time that I would remember them so much? Or that they would make it onto this list of great moments? In five years will these still be important to me? I feel like my short life has been so long already: so many days, friends, tears, laughs, great times :)